Way out of my depth

Location Sofa at home | Mood Deep black | Date 1 June 2006
Author (full name): 
Franny Armstrong
Sofa at home
Deep black
Morrissey, Lazy Sunbathers: "The world war was announced, days ago. But they didn't know, the lazy sunbathers"
Overpowering fatigue
1 June 2006
Current crisis: 

After personal appearance advice from my BBC Presenter Friend, who (apparently) effortlessly always looks the part, (I say apparently cos I now know she spends two hours on her hair every morning! Yikes!), I spent all day trying to get an outfit together for our Big Oil interview in New Orleans on Monday. Degraded myself in big chains in Oxford Street. Utterly hateful experience. Came away with nothing. Wish I'd never been born.

Doesn't help that I've been in a deep black hole for last few days. Feeling frankly terrified at the thought of finally confronting the Other Side Of The Story. Major butterflies in the stomach (fighting with The Boy butterflies, which seem to have taken up permanent residence). In moods like this, I can't help considering the enormity of Crude and realising how way out of my depth I am. Want to hide behind Mr Fisher's legs and not do the exam for secondary school at all.

My friends' "I have no doubt you'll pull it off" reassurances, remind me of those most unhelpful "Of course you'll get straight As" remarks going into exams. Don't feel as though I can justify their faith - specially when I just want to be all pathetic and needy and get loads of sympathy.

Hmm, second exam reference in two paragraphs. Must really be scared.

And The Boy is proving too hard to get hold of and can never talk and is, perhaps not unreasonably, too consumed with his own life to get involved in the intricacies of my paranoias. Am beginning to doubt the whole concept of long distance.

But then I went for dinner with The Comedian and didn't bother trying to be well tempered. He was very sweet and very helpful - said I shouldn't try to look like a corporate media type, just a smarter version of myself. That if we looked like "interns on their first day", I'll feel so weird I won't be able to function. Better not to pretend to be someone else.

He's right. Plus he said he doesn't think the oil industry will particularly hound/discredit/assassinate me when Crude comes out - like Eric has been attacked by fast food industry - as we're criticising the whole system, not just a single company.

Also said he loves shopping and would come and help me choose. Mental note for next time, but too late as we're leaving tomorrow.

Then called in on Composer Chris and Camera Karen who happened to be in and gave me loads of sympathy (for my worries), chocolate (for my temper) and jewellery (for my disguise).